And now, verses for the day:
"But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and
slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God...
If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle [Lit., control
] his tongue but deceives his own
heart, this man's religion is worthless.
Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our
God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and
to keep oneself unstained by the world."
James 1:19b-20, 26-27 (NASB)
This too will kind of be like a journal entry. I think that's what blogging is/often is; journal entries that everyone can see. I love writing in my physical journal, but I get tired of my thoughts moving so much faster than my hand (though that can actually be a good thing--makes you think more efficiently and streamline to the point of what you have to say), and also, something in me kind of wants an audience for this. The main audience in my mind, however, is still God--so I will watch what I say.
Last night I was very upset, and I am still somewhat upset this morning. Several things last night led to a good evening turning stressful and upsetting. Justin and I both got very angry, partly because of stress and partly because of how things were going--we broke or found broken several things last night, and we had a very complicated plan involving many other people to help work out--and partly because of the continual snubs/offenses of someone with whom we have interaction whom we never meant to offend but apparently we have. So the yard got cleaned up last night--very well, I might add--but I broke the spigot handle before turning the hose water OFF (thankfully we found out we could block it off with a hose sprayer handle), Justin broke the string handle to the utility light while trying to turn the water off from inside, we had to close our screen using duct tape as a handle because somebody installed the screens with the pins on the outside
, and there may have been something else too, but I can't remember.
We also spent much of the evening trying to work out a plan involving many different people in many different places in spite of miscommunication, lack of ability to communicate, and differing opinions of what was practical, as well as different offers by different people who were willing to help, but none willing or able to carry the entire burden by themselves. It was accompanied by the varying stress levels of several people involved, and it made me pretty upset to be involved trying to work it out satisfactorily.
Also, I am ashamed to say that in my anger and annoyance I said mean things to Justin and probably spoke loud enough that someone was able to hear me, though thankfully there weren't many people around. I always hate when I do that. At the time I'm always angry enough that I don't care and am tempted to say more critical, cutting things, but then later I'm always ashamed that I would be so childish and selfish in how I treat him, especially risking it being public--for both our sakes. I hate seeing a woman dressing down her husband in a public setting; it's very bad for him and their relationship and her reputation and everyone who has to hear it. So I'm ashamed that I would let my temper and emotions have so much control.
Also, I really hate having "bad air" in any relationships. I especially hate it when the other person doesn't care and wouldn't be willing anyway to see your point of view if you tried to smooth things over with them. I hate knowing that I am disobeying God by holding bitterness (which it always becomes) in my heart against anyone, but there are some people with whom it would seem impossible to ever work out disagreements on some things. When the other person seems like they won't even give an inch (and especially when you don't think you've done anything wrong--but somehow they think you have), it seems completely bitter to have to seek them out and try to improve the relationship. They'll just think you're groveling now and admitting that they've been right the whole time. And what is there to apologize for? I suppose for offending them, even if you believe you were not wrong. :-( I hate being a grown-up sometimes. Nothing works itself out or is deflected by loving parents who take care of hard problems for you.
Well, I feel a little better. I spent a lot of time this morning already praying about these things, and it's only because of God and who He is to me that I try or am able to work on my attitude about these things. Let that be my testimony for now.
Today I'm going to journal a little on here, meaning that I'm going to share a little of my heart in a more official way.
I am very happy today. I don't really know exactly why. But it does make me happy to be happy. One reason I think is that I have gotten a lot done today, and I have clarity of mind. This morning I made several phone calls right away and got ready quickly. I also did some other things I would normally have put off. Some of those phone calls have been on my list for quite a while, and others I just hadn't wanted to deal with. It felt so good to have them done already. It feels good for it to be 12:30 and for me to have something to show for my day and also to have a plan for the rest of it. For the rest of my day, I'm going to finish my quiet time, go to the grocery store, bake a cake for my neighbors (we borrowed their movie for about 9 months. that calls for a cake), and I'm planning to write a long-overdue letter to a friend. It makes me so happy to feel like I can look around my workspace and see more desk, and that I have been accomplishing things instead of shuffling them around on my desk or on my to-do lists. What further delights me is that getting some of these things done will allow me to do some other things I have been longing to do for a long time. Like read books, organize things, and write. This makes me extremely happy. I am also happy because I have been cooking real meals lately. And because I just read some articles in a borrowed magazine that sparked some good thoughts and inspiration. And I'm happy because I am writing more again. It feels like the real me. I'm uncovering the real me. I think I've been hiding.
The reason I decided to post instead of writing in my physical journal is that it takes too long for me to write by hand. Also, I wanted to draw attention to the fact that God is good. Fewer people would see it in my journal. (Few people will see it on my blog, as a matter of fact.) Anyway. I believe that God has good things happen to a lot of people who never know or acknowledge Him. But I do know Him; in fact, He's my Father, and I am thankful for the good things that He has been bringing about in my life. A freshness of thought and many things going well lately. Clarity of mind. And I like to write. So I put it up here. :)
Okay, I better go. I need to do some other things and then go to the store. Bye!
I've checked all my "old standby" sites. There is nothing new enough or updated that can possibly prevent me from what I am wanting to do--relax. But I can't seem to decide. What do I want to do? There's reading. Writing. Writing people back--letters, emails, Facebook messages, Facebook wall posts... the possibilities are endless. I can't decide.
So my mental hand reaches to start up a new Firefox navigating tab (what has happened to me?? who says that??!! Oh, I married a computer science guy... ;-), and it stops short--there is nothing left to "drop in" on. I have already buzzed by my usual places. I've checked my email multiple times and nothing new has come in since I hit "Send/Receive" less than a minute and a half ago. So I have to decide. What to do?
(I think the problem is I'm afraid of committing--if I actually chose something and started working on it, I might come to a point where I'd have to actually follow through on something. There might be effort involved. I might miss the opportunity to do something else while I'm actually doing
the first thing.)--Ah, relief. I'm out of time to do anything. Whew. Safe again in indecision.