Another installment
against (or toward) my bad mood--do you ever have this feeling when you surf Facebook profiles that other people have had all the fun in life and your life is remarkably boring and nondescript? I do. I surf and see so many fun pictures. Why is that?
I think it's several things. 1) Human principle--grass is greener on the other side of the fence 2) other people actually post cool pictures 3) necessarily preceding 2), other people also TAKE cool pictures of them doing cool things. Perhaps if I just smattered all the awesome pictures (assuming I have some) of my awesome life all over my awesome wall, I would not be consumed with a melancholy reminiscence (and yes, melancholy reminiscent jealousy) periodically. Also, I could post them online so other bored (read pathetic) people like myself could surf them and feel jealous.
Please don't read this. Don't tell anyone I wrote it.
One last principle. Listening to music is totally awesome. When I listen to good music, I feel like it's a soundtrack to my life. It makes me want to keep reading to see how my life turns out because I can relate to the main character. It makes me want to write my life down so somebody else can enjoy it. So really, what I could do to cure the jealousy is to combine these two opposite, possibly bizarre feelings to hopefully make me really happy and content with my own life as it is. [complimentary suggestion of "good" music (but don't leave the page on it or you'll never get it out of your head: www.luegomusic.com)]
>-\
I'm in a bad mood. I'm not sure why. Usually when I'm in a bad mood, it's as much anger with myself as with anyone else. Occasionally not, but often when I'm mad with anyone else, what made me edgy in the first place was being frustrated with myself.
Once I read or heard something that talked about how much you talk or write about yourself. It made me self-conscious in my public writing (even in my journaling, which ought to be private, but sometimes feels public) ever since. The thought went something like this: blur your eyes (or whatever you do to get a overview picture of the text) and notice how much you see the word "I." Isn't it depressing? There isn't much in the second paragraph, but the first paragraph seems rather self-conscious. But then, you say, weren't you writing about yourself? Yes, of course, but is that the problem? I don't know...
But here's another good quote: "The unexamined life is not worth living." That's strong, huh? I would name the author if I could remember it for sure--it might be James MacDonald. So that's why I think about myself. And because I'm a sinful human being and rather self-absorbed.
Boy, it feels good to write. I feel a little bad, placing my negative thoughts and bad mood on the internet. Isn't there enough bad stuff out there without my contribution? And also, I worry that maybe this will be a bad witness to someone--here's a Christian in a bad mood trying to smother some anger in her heart against someone... yep. But if writing is therapy, well, then, here I write. And the anger--well, what do you do with it when the person to whom you would speak is obtuse and totally unwilling to recognize that there is a problem to which they may have contributed? Smother it, I guess. Well, no, that's not the correct answer--come boldly unto the throne of grace so that you may find grace to help in time of need.
Enough. It still feels good to write. Like exercise when you have developed an appetite for it--like recognizing that eating your spinach is good, or that going to bed with a used-muscle tiredness is good, because it means that you lived a day on the good green earth and used your body for something more fulfilling than sitting in front of the computer. Wow. Not about writing anymore. But about writing, I was going to say--it also feels good because even these little pieces of writing make me feel like I'm slowly getting back in the current to pick up momentum toward a goal or a calling, toward actually writing something.
To do something great, or even moderately worthwhile, you have to have a solidness somewhere that believes that you can do something worthwhile. That something you do might be worthwhile. That something you already do or are marginally capable of might be worthwhile.
Clearly I'm at the point where I'm just enjoying hearing the way the words sound. Maybe I should find myself in bed.
When I don't know what to do next or can't decide, or mostly don't want to make myself do it, I do two or three things: check my email repeatedly, check Facebook, and straighten things in my house, without actually cleaning anything or getting anything done that legitimately needs to be done.
I feel that saying these things about myself sets up a situation in which it would be appropriate to say something like, "Why is that?", but actually I'm not going to say any of those types of things. I think I know why I do it. And I'm trying to work on it. So that's good enough.
Just thought I'd share.
Also, since this post is still sitting here available (though it might do better by itself in a different post), here is a nice quote:
"You waste more time by accident than most people do on purpose."
