UpsetThis too will kind of be like a journal entry. I think that's what blogging is/often is; journal entries that everyone can see. I love writing in my physical journal, but I get tired of my thoughts moving so much faster than my hand (though that can actually be a good thing--makes you think more efficiently and streamline to the point of what you have to say), and also, something in me kind of wants an audience for this. The main audience in my mind, however, is still God--so I will watch what I say.
Last night I was very upset, and I am still somewhat upset this morning. Several things last night led to a good evening turning stressful and upsetting. Justin and I both got very angry, partly because of stress and partly because of how things were going--we broke or found broken several things last night, and we had a very complicated plan involving many other people to help work out--and partly because of the continual snubs/offenses of someone with whom we have interaction whom we never meant to offend but apparently we have. So the yard got cleaned up last night--very well, I might add--but I broke the spigot handle before turning the hose water OFF (thankfully we found out we could block it off with a hose sprayer handle), Justin broke the string handle to the utility light while trying to turn the water off from inside, we had to close our screen using duct tape as a handle because somebody installed the screens with the pins on the outside, and there may have been something else too, but I can't remember.
We also spent much of the evening trying to work out a plan involving many different people in many different places in spite of miscommunication, lack of ability to communicate, and differing opinions of what was practical, as well as different offers by different people who were willing to help, but none willing or able to carry the entire burden by themselves. It was accompanied by the varying stress levels of several people involved, and it made me pretty upset to be involved trying to work it out satisfactorily.
Also, I am ashamed to say that in my anger and annoyance I said mean things to Justin and probably spoke loud enough that someone was able to hear me, though thankfully there weren't many people around. I always hate when I do that. At the time I'm always angry enough that I don't care and am tempted to say more critical, cutting things, but then later I'm always ashamed that I would be so childish and selfish in how I treat him, especially risking it being public--for both our sakes. I hate seeing a woman dressing down her husband in a public setting; it's very bad for him and their relationship and her reputation and everyone who has to hear it. So I'm ashamed that I would let my temper and emotions have so much control.
Also, I really hate having "bad air" in any relationships. I especially hate it when the other person doesn't care and wouldn't be willing anyway to see your point of view if you tried to smooth things over with them. I hate knowing that I am disobeying God by holding bitterness (which it always becomes) in my heart against anyone, but there are some people with whom it would seem impossible to ever work out disagreements on some things. When the other person seems like they won't even give an inch (and especially when you don't think you've done anything wrong--but somehow they think you have), it seems completely bitter to have to seek them out and try to improve the relationship. They'll just think you're groveling now and admitting that they've been right the whole time. And what is there to apologize for? I suppose for offending them, even if you believe you were not wrong. :-( I hate being a grown-up sometimes. Nothing works itself out or is deflected by loving parents who take care of hard problems for you.
Well, I feel a little better. I spent a lot of time this morning already praying about these things, and it's only because of God and who He is to me that I try or am able to work on my attitude about these things. Let that be my testimony for now.